|Like it or not, politics do enter into our
righteousness, the dog show ring. Yes friends,
we must face the
issue squarely and with the same wide-eyed
concern and alacrity
displayed to us by our chosen leaders, Hillary
I was skeptical at first. ... I admit it.
... Now I'm a real
believer! ... When Dee Dee appeared at the
White House press
conference, my first thought was, "Baby
fat!" ... Later I saw
the cherubic smile of Mr. Stephanopadopolosopus
"Gee, his mommy dresses him nicely." ...
Then I realized that I
had nearly been passed by. ... "Get with
the program, old man!
... The people have spoken and you are out
of step. ... Again!"
Through the years I have been resourceful
if nothing else. Now
that I have identified this problem, all
I have to do is: draw
on my life experience; alter my approach,
and proceed. ... I am
pleased to report that, as of right now,
I have done all of
this. ... I am ready! ... I
remember the Beetles. ... I
visited Haight Ashbury in the 60's. ...
I should have seen it
before. ... The "Flower Children"
have come of age. ... It's
only natural. ... I can play!
We want change! ... We want changes
in our society and we want
changes in our dog shows! ... We want value
for our entry
"investments"! ... Fees are out! ... Value
right down to the
last Native-American-Head penny. ... Without
either! ... Yeah!
No more breeding animals based solely
on pedigrees and previous
progeny without first looking for some sign
compatibility between the actual participants.
... Perhaps a
wag. ... A slurp. ... At least a curled
ear. ... Animal rights
No more judging. The "J" word is out!
... You know. ... The
Bible? ... "Judge not lest ... etc." ...
"Assessment" ... That's
in! ... "Assessment of German Shepherds
will begin in ring three
at ..." ... That's the ticket! ... I love
No more heartless grouping of dogs
with dogs and bitches with
bitches! ... No! ... We must have "Don't
Ask ... Don't Tell" and
"Bred by God Knows Whom" classes.
No More out-of-sight vet bills. If
the winners invest just a
little more, ... say $100.00 a ribbon ...
, then every show dog
can get free shots.
No more tales of vicious biting incidents.
We can start with a
waiting period for purchasers of Schutzhundt
Then we can lobby to make dentition a disqualifying
(The "F" word "Fault" is out also.)
No more will coat be considered when
assessing an animal.
"Follicle Impairment" occurs in Nature and
should be valued as
an endowment like "Pigment Deprivation".
How many times must we
reiterate, "Color does not matter."?
No more will the "Caloricly Challenged"
dog or bitch be
dismissed with crass comments like: "underweight"
"overweight", or worse, "skinny" and "fat".
No more can violating some silly and
arbitrary standard be
grounds for exclusion from the temple. "Enhanced
"Centimetric Deficit" are no more detrimental
than the "Cannabis
Interruptus" or "Stainus Dressus" admittedly
practiced by Hillary's husband.
No More CD, CDX, UD, or UDT degrees.
... No way! ... The words,
"Obedience" and "Training" share such a
inflexibility, don't you think? ... And
it is positively
insensitive to the really vital, delicate
components of the organism we call "Buffy"
or "Duke", depending
upon gender orientation of course. Really,
Pekinese should have
as much opportunity to be guide dogs as
any other breed. ...
Certainly we cannot bear to submit our best
friend, "Arfy", to
a "Trial" of any kind ... "Trials" went
out with "Judgements".
It is with this in mind that I propose
Molding" instead of the archaic "Obedience
Training". In this
scheme, Behavior Facilitators, licensed
of course, will beg,
cajole, bribe, and beguile the lovable little
acting with some modicum of civility, real
or imagined by the
owner. After at least one such rendezvous,
and after the
facilitator's investment cost has been covered
in full, the
owner may enter an AKC sanctioned "Behavior
Assessors will then award degrees such as:
"BM" (Being Molded),
"P" (Progressing), "BP" (Beyond Progressing),
(Appears to Function at Maximum Ability).
I can hardly wait until the Spring
"Encounters". ... I think
I'll line up a handl ... er, ... a "Guardian"
now. ... Send in
my "investment" early so I can get a low
number in the catalog.
... Who's assessing this year? ... Oh? ...
Him? ... Forget it!
... He's too damned political.