The Kurz Korner

Amusing Articles 
By Richard C. Kurz

Like it or not, politics do enter into our cathedral of
righteousness, the dog show ring. Yes friends, we must face the
issue squarely and with the same wide-eyed concern and alacrity
displayed to us by our chosen leaders, Hillary and Whatsizname.

I was skeptical at first. ... I admit it. ... Now I'm a real
believer! ... When Dee Dee appeared at the White House press
conference, my first thought was, "Baby fat!" ... Later I saw
the cherubic smile of Mr. Stephanopadopolosopus and thought,
"Gee, his mommy dresses him nicely." ... Then I realized that I
had nearly been passed by. ... "Get with the program, old man! 
... The people have spoken and you are out of step. ...  Again!"

Through the years I have been resourceful if nothing else. Now
that I have identified this problem, all I have to do is: draw
on my life experience; alter my approach, and proceed. ... I am
pleased to report that, as of right now, I have done all of
this. ... I am ready!  ...  I remember the Beetles. ... I
visited Haight Ashbury in the 60's. ... I should have seen it
before. ...  The "Flower Children" have come of age.  ...  It's
only natural. ... I can play!

 We want change! ... We want changes in our society and we want
changes in our dog shows! ... We want value for our entry
"investments"! ... Fees are out! ... Value right down to the
last Native-American-Head penny. ... Without offending anyone
either! ... Yeah!

 No more breeding animals based solely on pedigrees and previous
progeny without first looking for some sign of emotional
compatibility between the actual participants. ... Perhaps a
wag. ... A slurp. ... At least a curled ear. ... Animal rights
are cool.

 No more judging. The "J" word is out! ... You know. ... The
Bible? ... "Judge not lest ... etc." ... "Assessment" ... That's
in! ... "Assessment of German Shepherds will begin in ring three
at ..." ... That's the ticket! ... I love it!

 No more heartless grouping of dogs with dogs and bitches with
bitches! ... No! ... We must have "Don't Ask ... Don't Tell" and
"Bred by God Knows Whom" classes.

 No More out-of-sight vet bills. If the winners invest just a
little more, ... say $100.00 a ribbon ... , then every show dog
can get free shots.

 No more tales of vicious biting incidents. We can start with a
waiting period for purchasers of Schutzhundt trained animals.
Then we can lobby to make dentition a disqualifying "attribute".
(The "F" word "Fault" is out also.)

 No more will coat be considered when assessing an animal.
"Follicle Impairment" occurs in Nature and should be valued as
an endowment like "Pigment Deprivation". How many times must we
reiterate, "Color does not matter."?

 No more will the "Caloricly Challenged" dog or bitch be
dismissed with crass comments like: "underweight" and
"overweight", or worse, "skinny" and "fat".

 No more can violating some silly and arbitrary standard be
grounds for exclusion from the temple. "Enhanced Dimension" or
"Centimetric Deficit" are no more detrimental than the "Cannabis
Interruptus" or "Stainus Dressus" admittedly practiced by Hillary's husband.

 No More CD, CDX, UD, or UDT degrees. ... No way! ... The words,
"Obedience" and "Training" share such a connotation of
inflexibility, don't you think? ... And it is positively
insensitive to the really vital, delicate psychoveterinary
components of the organism we call "Buffy" or "Duke", depending
upon gender orientation of course. Really, Pekinese should have
as much opportunity to be guide dogs as any other breed.  ... 
Certainly we cannot bear to submit our best friend, "Arfy", to
a "Trial" of any kind ... "Trials" went out with "Judgements".

 It is with this in mind that I propose "Outcome-based Behavior
Molding" instead of the archaic "Obedience Training".  In this
scheme, Behavior Facilitators, licensed of course, will beg,
cajole, bribe, and beguile the lovable little critters into
acting with some modicum of civility, real or imagined by the
owner.  After at least one such rendezvous, and after the
facilitator's investment cost has been covered in full, the
owner may enter an AKC sanctioned "Behavior Encounter".  There
Assessors will then award degrees such as: "BM" (Being Molded),
"P" (Progressing), "BP" (Beyond Progressing), and "AFMA"
(Appears to Function at Maximum Ability).

 I can hardly wait until the Spring "Encounters". ... I think
I'll line up a handl ... er, ... a "Guardian" now. ... Send in
my "investment" early so I can get a low number in the catalog.
... Who's assessing this year? ... Oh? ... Him? ... Forget it!
... He's too damned political. 



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