The Potential Puppy Owner Test

Amusing Article 

By  Joy Henderson
With many thanks to "CDX" of Acmepet for lending an ear
This Article Is Copyrighted By It's Author
All Rights Reserved
May be reproduced for use on the Internet by Permission of
it's author with full credit given

This is a test to determine if people  are truly ready for a dog. They
will be stressed to every limit, with  little mercy shown. If the
Potential Puppy Owner passes, they will be  given a license to start
learning about the breed of their  choice. 

Hereinafter the Potential Puppy Owner will be referred as  PPO.

Under no circumstances will physical force, yelling,  cursing, or
threatening will be used.

Protective padding, or soil proof clothes of any sort are NOT

Small wounds  and scratches will be handled in a blase manner. Washing
with water, and *a* bandage will be distributed to each PPO.

Tests will be held in  a variety of environments. From crowded
interiors to muddy fields, to  brush. PPO must enter all environments with a
happy face.

PPO  will only have one set of clothes permitted. If at any time, they
are seen wiping off dog hair or saliva, they will  fail.


PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male German Shepherd
puppy. PPO must be able to calm down the dog into a down position in 2
minutes. Only a flat buckle collar and nylon lead will be issued.

PPO must stand in between a 14 month old Golden Retriever puppy and a
field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly in the
path of the PPO. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering
in good nature.

PPO must  serve dinner to six Rottweiler puppies. The puppies will be
no older than six months and no younger than four months. PPO must not
spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.

PPO must quiet either four Shetland Sheepdogs, or six Pomeranians when
the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and all dogs will be off lead.
The dogs must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the
noise, and living in the middle of nowhere.

PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell Terriers chasing a
animal that they see as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more
than 6 inches. No corrections will be issued, but PPO is welcome to try and
distract  them.

PPO Must hold their ground with 2 Great Danes on ice. They may not
move more than 100 ft.

PPO Must play with a male Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming
in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves off with a tea towel. At
no time, will the PPO react disgusted.

PPO Must leave two huskies alone with their home for 3 hours uncrated.
The dogs will not be kept in a room where any posed danger to
themselves is prominent. PPO must not loose temper with the dogs. PPO may
cry however.

PPO Must groom an adult male Collie blowing coat completely within 25
minutes. Eyes, Nails, Paws, Ears, Teeth and Coat. The dog will be
recently bathed to give PPO a good  chance.

PPO must be introduced into a pack of Beagles ready for a hunt,
without cringing at the noise.

PPO must fit a Basenji into a weather protective coat within 5
minutes. The Basenji will have never been trained to wear protective clothing
before. No ear plugs will be issued.

PPO must carry an Irish Wolfhound puppy up and down the stairs for 20 times
a day for at least a week. 

PPO must remove the thistles out of the coat of a English Setter.
The coat will only be medium length, but all thistles will be removed
by hand and a fine toothed comb.

PPO must exercise a Vizsla who has not received exercise for 2 days.
PPO must not tire out before the dog.

PPO must sleep in the room with a Bulldog. If PPO does not  get any
sleep, they must appear cheerful and sunny.

PPO must clean the yard of a St. Bernard breeder within 10 minutes in 
a snowstorm and may not use any type of bag other than the common
supermarket shopping bag.

PPO must sit in the same room and read an entire magazine while a Shiba Inu
is being introduced to the crate.

PPO will strip a Giant Schnauzer under the supervision of the breeder,
until the preferred look is achieved. Note this can take months.

PPO will take a large breed to the vets after being neutered.

PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.

PPO must pass an agility course.

PPO must secure a steady supply of used bag within 3 days. Stealing bags
from the grocery store is not an option, that is only a privilidge of the
seasoned dog owner.

PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a  bag while
they are in the passenger seat of a car.

PPO must not die of shock when they have to cough up the veterinary
fees to neuter an adult Mastiff.

PPO must not die of shock at the food bill of two growing

PPO must sit in a  closed room for 12 hours with at least two dogs that
have been fed broccoli and beans for dinner.

PPO must live with two 5 month old active breed puppies and not go

PPO must spend 72 hours with the breeder whelping and watching puppies
without dozing off. Continuous caffeine will be supplied.

PPO must spend the night on the floor beside's a sick dog's bed, just to be
certain that the dog is resting comfortably.

PPO will go on a camping trip and take the dog everywhere with them,
including managing to hold the dog's leash and using the outhouse at the
same time, this will take place in the rain at 3 am. A small flashlight
will be issued.

PPO must vow to love, train, care and  nurture their dogs for the rest
of the dog's life. PPO must accept that  each and every dog is an
individual which needs to live in a pack. PPO  must vow to educate
themselves about their breed of choice and the  requirements expected. The
PPO must vow to purchase the puppy from a  reputable rescue/shelter or
breeder. The PPO will also conduct themselves  and their dogs in a
responsible manner securing liberties for the rest of  the dog loving

Furthermore the PPO must manage to keep good  humored and remember that for
every insane,tough, bad moment, there  will always be a hundred more good

PPO must try to be the person their dog thinks they are.

Copyright Joy Henderson 1999. All rights reserved. 



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